A Letter to Big City Councillor

by Thom Carnahan
 



Ward 4 Councillor

City of Toronto 

                                                                                                   

Dear Timothy Hugeness:

I will remind you that we met at a wedding and later at a house party in T.O. recently.   It was an excellent party!   Please thank Betty Affable for inviting us.  At that time you advised that you were willing, as a Big City Councillor, to help out our small town. Boy, I can tell you that we need help here, which I shall outline to you!   Hopefully you can help us solve some of our most serious problems.    You are number one out of forty-five in our book.

Firstly, something about our town.   It is called Canora, Saskabush.    It is an acronym for CAnadian NOrthern RAilway.    They almost called it COMmand POSTings, after one of our early accounting businesses.   Would you want to live in a town called that?     A good thing they didnít too, or the population would never have swollen to 2,500.    Woops, it is now 2,503 since 3 new people moved in across the street just now.   That is how we count the census out here; how do youse guys do it?

We have 7 potholes in our town, and one of them is 2 inches deep by 7 across!    I drove around for 16 minutes and counted and measured them all!  This is a very nice town other than that; maybe 20,000 people would like to relocate here from T.O.?    

One of our problems is, unlike where you are, we only have six councillors to help us with all our huge problems.   We donít have enough people to handle the work load obviously. We can just imagine how it could be here if we had forty-five to solve our problems as you do. You are so lucky!  

We had a traffic gridlock on our main street again last week.   We hear that NO FEWER than eleven cars and pickups were all vying for space in front of the post office! (We donít even have mail delivered here as you do and why not since we pay huge federal income tax!)  Why, it wasnít even during our Ďrush minute.í  

We donít even have stop lights on our main street.   Can you imagine how far behind we are? Please advise.  

Another problem we have is with our current mayor. His name is Bob Chevy and he likes his drink and women too much. He also raven-walks (some kind of bird) in the middle of main street often.  Isnít that illeagle?    (Darned spell checker!)    Can you help us get rid of him quickly? Do you have any experience with this type of problem?  

Ten years ago we had no racoons here. Since you became a councillor, we now have thousands of them. Donít know if that is related. We are not sure if your city has any racoons, but we are wondering if you would appreciate receiving a gift of 30,000 of them?  We would gladly pay for shipping. They are cute, furry, and make good pets I hear. They are low maintenance. Please advise.    

We think there has been a bear circling our house and barking in the middle of the night. We have not seen him. We are afraid of going outside at night. Is your place safe for walking at night?  We have heard that it has been like a zoo in your city for the past while, so we are wondering if you would like to have a bear as well?     Please advise.    

We have farmers here who burn their stubble and let the smoke drift into town.   Can something be done to control the direction of the smoke or could we have their matches taken away? Perhaps a match bylaw?  Other than that and our neighbour, usually we have really good air here. Please advise.    

We had confusion in our neighbourhood a few days ago. We had both our stinky neighbour and a visiting skunk assaulting our noses. His name is Samuel Malfactory; the neighbour, not the skunk. We donít know the skunkís name.  Could you please send someone over to remove one of them? We would like that.   

We have coyotes here that yip, yip, and yip all night sometimes, and we canít sleep.  Often they even come into town and take our cats, dogs and children. We donít like them that much. Would you like to have 300 of them? We hear they can make good pets if you can train them. We would pay shipping. Please advise.  

We have a few moose that free range around town. They are cute. They weigh 1300 pounds and refuse to wear a license or collar. They also defecate in town and do not pick up after themselves. Isnít that illeagle? Is it okay to arrest them? Do we need a moose bylaw? Does your city have Fecal Police to patrol that sort of thing?     How many moose do you have and would you like to have more? They also make excellent pets, but they eat a lot! We call this one Moose. As well, he was in our yard recently and was eating our spruce bush. I swore at him six times but it didnít help. Do you think that once more would help? We wonít pay for shipping you any moose either. Please advise.  

We only have one Zamboni in our town. That is the machine which cleans the ice.  Well itís not really a Zamboni; it is something put together that Floyd Makeshifter created from a broken Ford pickup and broken Dear John road grader.   I suppose we should really call it a Comboni. Do you think someone already has that name copyrighted?  Often Roger Hellion drives it too fast and bumps into the boards.   Then we either have to fix the Zamboni or the boards or both. What we would like to do is fix Roger instead!  Is he breaking any rules or bylaws that we can get him on? Would it help to post speed limits? We are not sure if Roger can read. Please advise.

Your help in solving all these serious problems will be greatly appreciated by us. 

Sincerely, 

George Smalltown    


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